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I am Struggling

It's been two weeks since we left our home in the Himalayas. This evening I took a short drive to take some photos of the light falling on this beautiful mountain and had a bit of time to myself to think. 

I am struggling. 

I am struggling with all the rules. I’m struggling with all the signs, directions and instructions. There are so many signs. Stop. Left turn only. No parking. No entry. Keep off. No parking. Trail closed. How do we feel free in this place? Are we even free here?  

I am struggling with all the advertising. Buy more. Buy buy buy. Can’t buy anymore? We’ll loan you money. And then store it in your house. But build big walls around it and put electric fences on so no one can get the stuff you bought. 

I am struggling with all the packages. Everything is packaged. Fruit is in packages. Dead animals are in packages. People live in packages. Peoples’ lives are packages. Plants are packaged. 

“Plants for sale” That really got me. It feels so weird. Its like buying air in a bottle! You can’t own air! How can you own a plant? “Oh that tree there belongs to James.” Has someone told the tree that it is in fact owned by James? How can we think we own a tree?  How can we think we own anything living, or anything at all?

I am struggling with people. Everyone seems to live to collect things. Everyone has so much but I hear so much complaining. 

I am struggling with entertainment. So much exists to entertain us. Can’t we entertain ourselves? Do we have to buy something to entertain us? Does everything have to result in us buying something?! 

I am struggling with how instant everything is. Everything needs to happen now. I want to be entertained ‘click’. I’m too hot ‘click’ . I”m too cold ‘ click’ . I want Asian food ‘click’. I want Italian food ‘click. I want to laugh ‘click’ I want a new phone ‘ click’  I want . I want . I want.  

I am struggling with all the choice. Shops filled with so much stuff yet I hear people say there is nothing at Pick n Pay today. Nothing at PNP? Have you been there? Everything is there!

I am struggling with all the fear. You can’t do this because someone could rob you. Don’t go there at night its dangerous. Lock the doors. Lock the car. Hide your wallet. Hide your phone. Hide everything. 

I am struggling that when Megan says she doesn’t eat meat it causes some kind of discussion. It’s the first time in a whole year (a whole year!) that she has ever had to explain and justify her reasoning behind why she does not. 

I am struggling that I need to drive somewhere else to be in nature. Nature used to be right here, but now its not. Now I drive 30km to get to a place where nature is. Sometimes you even need to pay an entrance fee to see nature. 

Take me to the mountains. Take me to the oceans. 

I am struggling.